Star Wars Wars
by LKW
Summary: What happens when members of two warring factions attempt to attend the anticipated premiere of the new Star Wars movie at the same place and time?


Takara & Hasbro own all of the characters herein (and George Lucas all of the Star Wars creations mentioned), of course … except the theater employees, but they're more story props than real characters, anyway :). I've put aside the TF fanfic I've been, intermittently, working on lately to knock out this more topical piece, which I thought of at work this morning. Let me know if you like it … (And – YEAH, Star Wars!)

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It was less than an hour before the premiere of the newest, and final, _Star Wars_ film, _Revenge of the Sith_. A long line of fans was gathered outside the theater awaiting admission. Many of the gathering were dressed as various _Star Wars_ characters; a handful of these patrons were noticeably … taller than the others.

"A'when is this line gonna get movin'?" Ironhide asked, twirling his purple prop lightsaber in annoyed boredom.

"Patience, Ironhide," Optimus Prime said sagely. He glanced at his chronometer beneath his Jedi sleeve. "There are still many astroseconds before show time. There's plenty of time for us to be seated," he continued, adjusting his Obi Wan beard.

"If you call sitting on the floor in the **back** of the theater 'seated'," Sunstreaker remarked sourly.

"Now, Sunstreaker," Optimus said, "it is not the humans' fault that we are so much larger than they. Instead of complaining about a minor inconvenience, be glad that we have found a movie house which can accommodate us at all."

"Yes," an unusually golden Tracks interjected, "complaining should be saved for more serious topics – like your ripping off of my costume!"

"Hey," Sunstreaker shrugged, "gold's my color."

"But, _my _C-3PO costume is magnificent in its golden luster – perhaps the only thing worthy of covering my beautiful countenance," Tracks groused preeningly.

"You're not half as pretty as I am –" Sunstreaker began.

"Guys, guys," Hot Rod, leaning against a wall, interjected calmly, "chill out. People are allowed to have duplicate costumes."

"Well, at least **some** of us bothered to have costumes from the **right **movie!" Tracks huffed.

"A point, the prissy one has," a pointy-eared Kup said in a voice sounding vaguely Yoda-ish.

"Yes, 'master'," Hot Rod sighed, optics rolling up so far in his head they almost got caught in his blond wig.

"It is true that adult Luke Skywalker is not in this film, to my knowledge," Optimus Prime allowed.

"Hey." Hot Rod shrugged in his farmboy robes. "It's who I am."

"Gronnnk," the enormous Chewbacca behind them growled. "Enough talk, already! Me Grimlock want to see Wookies!"

Suddenly, the familiar pomp of "The Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme)" could be heard blasting down the street. A very tall Darth Vader was striding toward the movie theater, followed by several nearly-as-tall clone troopers. The music appeared to be emitting from the chest of "Boba Fett".

"That's the biggest Darth Vader I've ever seen," the Padme-esque Arcee said.

The "Imperials" preceded to march … to the front of the line, scattering moviegoers in their wake.

"I know only one being who would barge ahead in line … who is that imperious and tall," Optimus Prime said. "Megatron!"

At the sound of his name, Megatron turned, removing his Sith Lord helmet. "Optimus Prime!" he said with surprise. "I did not recognize you in your … bearded state."

"What evil scheme are you up to this time, Megatron?" Prime asked, stepping toward the Decepticon leader.

"None! We are here … to see the movie," Megatron replied.

"I'm a **red** clone trooper," Starscream said.

"Yeah? Well, I'm a black and purple one," Skywarp countered.

"I **still** think you made that up …" Starscream murmured.

"Why in tarnation did yuh pick **this** movie theater, outta all the places?" Mace Ironhide asked.

"Because it is large enough to fit us comfortably," Megatron replied.

"Well …" Ironhide acceded.

"And why is Soundwave dressed up like Boba Fett?" Sunstreaker asked. "Is Boba Fett even in this movie?"

"Boba Fett is in almost every movie," Soundwave replied. "And he is co-ool."

"Enough talk!" exclaimed Hot Rod, no longer leaning. "Let's get these stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herders!"

"Roonnnk!" Grimlock agreed.

"You want some of this, punk?" Frenzy's voice emerged from a giant Jabba the Hutt. "Let's get him, guys! Swing our left fist, Buzzsaw!"

"No!" Optimus Prime cried. "If the Decepticons are truly here only to see the film – we will not initiate hostilities!"

"Aw," Ironhide said.

"Away put your weapon, lad," Kup croaked at Hot Rod.

"Will you shut up already?" Hot Rod asked.

"A wise decision, Optimus Prime," Megatron said, cape flowing lightly in the wind. "But I will be keeping an optic on you, in case you have treachery in mind."

"As I will with you, Megatron," Prime replied.

The Autobots and Decepticons settled uneasily into line together. Conversation was minimal, both sides mostly keeping to themselves, occasionally eyeing the other side's accouterments and props.

"Hey, bun hair!" Skywarp called tauntingly.

"Are you talking to me?" Arcee replied coldly.

"Yeah!"

"Well, I don't have bun hair!"

"No, not tonight," Skywarp agreed. "Tonight you look like that Amidala. But, you've usually got buns on the side of your head."

"…So?" Arcee asked.

"So, don't ya feel like you're playing your own mom?" Skywarp concluded.

"Huh?" Arcee asked.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" came a human voice from the front entrance of the theater. The worker paused, perhaps taken aback by the … size … of some of the patrons, before continuing in a slightly less assured voice. "We are … now open for seating!" A cheer went up from the crowd. Patrons began filing into the building, with a little pushing and shoving between certain members of the assemblage.

"Sunstreaker, Tracks – out cut it!" Kup rasped.

"What?" both robots responded confusedly.

"It – out cut?" Kup replied, with both less authority and less accent.

"What is he trying to say?" Tracks asked.

"Beats me," Sunstreaker replied.

"Oh, for Artoo's sake – cut it out!" Kup said exasperatedly, in his normal voice.

"Oh!" Tracks exclaimed.

"Why didn't you just say so?" Suntreaker asked, preceding into the theater.

"Uhnnnnn," Kup groaned.

The Transformers appeared to be moving relatively peacefully towards the premiere … until Megatron's voice was heard crying out.

"Five dollars!" he exclaimed.

"Uh … yes, sir," a very nervous counter worker replied.

"Five dollars … for a **small** popcorn?" Megatron cried incredulously.

"Uh … yes?"

"But …" Starscream began. "You don't need to eat!"

"I like to keep my hands busy!" Megatron replied. He returned his attention to the theater worker. "Puny flesh creature! You dare to change such an outrageous price to Megatron?" The Decepticon leader began to pull back his black-gloved fist.

"No, Megatron!" Obi Wan Prime cried, catching the Decepticon's Lord of the Sith-suited arm. "No violence! …Well, off of the screen, anyway," he added.

"And how do you intend to stop me?" Darth Megatron asked.

"I … will pay for your popcorn," Optimus replied. "One … jumbo-sized, please," he said to the food counter employee.

"Okay!" the worker replied with visible relief.

"Um …" Prime said with a little embarrassment, as he groped around in his Jedi clothing. "I think … I may have used up my money. Grimlock – can I borrow a few dollars?"

Grimlock growled threateningly.

"Grimlock .. so we can all see the Wookies, in peace?" Optimus asked.

"Reeennth," Grimlock growled … but removed a twenty dollar bill from a compartment in his bandolier and handed it to Prime.

"Thank you, Grimlock," Optimus said. "May the Force be with you, always."

"Rtth," Grimlock grunted, heading into the cinema.

Seating proved to be another point of contention, giant costumed robots jostling each other for position in the back of the cinema. The Decept-casette Jabba was eventually placed between several bickering robots from the two sides, and Sunstreaker and Tracks. Still, an occasional shove or a "Hey!" was still occurring … right until the opening music for _Revenge of the Sith_ began. The Transformers quieted down as the long-anticipated movie began …

Except for Starscream.

"Ah, another opening crawl!" he said to no one in particular. "I'll have to memorize this one, too."

"Shh!"

"Pipe down!"

"Ronnnk!"

"I know them all, you know," Starscream continued in self-important obliviousness.

"Silence, Starscream!" Megatron commanded.

" 'It was a dark time for the Rebellion …' " Starscream began.

"Agh!" several people groaned.

"Some liquid nitrogen should cool you off!" Ironhide exclaimed, turning and pointing his arm at the babbling robot.

"You dare challenge Starscream the Mighty?" Starscream asked, standing up.

"Guys – no!" Young SkywalkerRod said.

Too late. Ironhide fired; but Starscream batted his arm, deflecting the stream of liquid ….

Directly toward the projection booth.

"No!" many robots cried.

The stream hit the booth … and the movie stopped.

The crowd groaned in despair, as did all of the Transformers who weren't standing in stunned disbelief. SoundwaveFett reached into the projector, inspecting its contents … and shook his helmeted head.

"This party's over," Ironhide said mournfully.

"There's no more film to watch!" Megatron exclaimed. "You idiot, Starscream!" he continued, swatting the clone trooper in question.

"But … he started it!" Starscream protested.

"Perhaps there are times … when even I am forced to question the cost of this war," Megatron remarked, donning his helmet. "Decepticons – retreat!" he called, lifting off from the floor. Soundwave demonstrated that his Boba Fett backpack actually worked, as he used it to aid him in carrying his Jabba-the-Hutted cassettes. "We will not see the new _Star Wars_ – for now!" The Decepticons took off, completely regardless of the theater's ceiling.

The Autobots looked around mournfully, as the few remaining humans left the cinema, muttering angrily.

"A true pity, this is," Kup said.

"Shut up!" cried several Autobots.

"I hope Grimlock's got a lot of money in that bandolier," Hot Rod remarked.

"Autobots," Optimus Prime said sadly, removing his beard, "prepare to roll out. Our unending cosmic civil war … has prevented us from seeing a film about galactic civil war. Perhaps we will have to wait … until the drive-in."

The Autobots groaned in disappointment. Grimlock's Wookie head bent back as he let out a long, mournful Chewbacca growl.


End file.
